Are My Parenting Expectations Too High?

Hey there, lovely people! I’m Mary Peterson Cook, and if you’re like me, you’ve probably been caught in the crossfire of conflicting parenting advice. “Set high expectations!” one camp says. “You’re expecting too much!” warns another. Confused? You’re not alone. Today, we’re diving deep into this parenting conundrum to figure out just how “realistic” our expectations are and what we can do to help our children, and ourselves, find common ground.

The Dilemma of Parenting Expectations

Just the other day, I was scrolling through my Facebook feed and came across a post from a frazzled mom who homeschools her seven-year-old. She was wondering if it’s too much to expect her child to have an hour of quiet time in her room so mom could decompress and recharge. Reactions were polarizing, ranging from the draconian “you’re the boss, if she’s complaining just spank her and leave her in her room” to the invalidating “that’s way too much to expect.”

Interestingly, this mom was keen to avoid using screen time as a pacifier, which only intensified the debate. It often leaves the poster feeling even less sure than before! So let’s step back and help this mom figure these expectations out!

Good or Bad Parenting Expectations: Is There Such a Thing?

In my opinion, an expectation is just that—an expectation. We can’t tag it as universally good or bad. However, we can identify expectations as realistic or unrealistic… for the individual child and situation. Now, what constitutes “realistic” can change depending on the circumstances. And we do need to make sure our expectations are based on our family’s needs and values vs societal expectations or fear (more on that another day). But in general, some days your child might be more capable of meeting certain expectations than on other days. Isn’t parenting fun?

Realistic vs. Unrealistic Parenting Expectations

Let’s take the example of the aforementioned mom who craves an hour of quiet time. Is it okay for her to expect this? Absolutely. It’s crucial for parents to have some time to recharge, especially ones that have been with kids and meeting their needs all day long! And especially for those of us with any kind of neurodivergence, or for the introverted among us. But is this expectation realistic for her specific child?

Meeting Children Where They Are

If your child is struggling—throwing tantrums, feeling abandoned—the reality is showing you that they’re not there yet. That doesn’t mean tossing the expectation out the window. It means taking a step back and figuring out how to scaffold the child’s growth to eventually meet that expectation.

Building a Roadmap

For our Facebook mom, she could approach this a few ways. First off, the quiet time shouldn’t feel like a punishment. Mom could go to her room, explain that she needs some time to herself, and ask what her child plans to do for an hour. If an hour seems like a stretch, why not start smaller? Five or teen minutes to begin with, and gradually increase the intervals. Or even take shorter breaks more often.

In my own experience, I’ve had to do just that. My son isn’t keen on being alone, so we started with five minutes and have been working our way up. It’s a journey. It’s important to realize that your expectation isn’t necessarily wrong if it’s meeting a need or is based in your family’s values. It may just be that your child isn’t ready or needs help to get there. So how will you scaffold the expectation until they can meet it?

Just like you wouldn’t sit your non-reading child in front of book and tell them they have to read for an hour on their own, we don’t force our child who’s not ready for any other skill to do it before they’re ready. We give them support until they can.

Wrapping Up

In general, parenting doesn’t come with bad expectations when they are based in needs and values, and you shouldn’t abandon your own just because your child isn’t ready for them yet. Instead, assess where your child currently stands, determine your ultimate goal, and then create manageable milestones. Whether it takes a week or a year doesn’t matter; what matters is the roadmap you’re creating for them—or better yet, with them.

And lastly, don’t forget that you’re not trying to change your children to meet your needs. You’re trying to take responsibility for yourself to meet your own needs. So instead of forcing them to change what they’re doing, you change what you’re doing. You wouldn’t want them to say “I need some quiet time, go to your room for an hour and don’t come out”, so we really shouldn’t do it to them. We would expect them to meet their own need by finding their own quiet spot/ activity without dictating what we do and where.

I hope this clears up some of the fog surrounding parenting expectations. If you have any thoughts or questions, please feel free to drop a comment below. And if you’re struggling with nervous system regulation then be sure to get my FREE 60 Second Sanity Savers to quickly calm yourself down in between your quiet times!