Let’s face it—talking to kids about body curiosity and body safety can feel awkward and uncomfortable, especially when it involves another child and family. However, these conversations are crucial for fostering healthy development and keeping kids safe even into their teen and adult years. And I’m sharing how I and another mother handled this situation when we suddenly were faced with this!

Hi, I’m Mary Peterson Cook with Mary Peterson Cook Ventures. As a parenting and homeschooling coach, I’m here to help you navigate these tricky moments. Today, I want to share a recent experience I had with my own child that threw me for a loop. Despite my understanding of child development, I found myself unprepared. If you’ve ever felt the same, you’re not alone. Let’s dive into how to handle these situations with confidence and compassion.

Understanding Childhood Curiosity About Bodies

So, let’s talk about something that happened recently. In theory, I know child development, so I know that this is a normal stage. However, I just wasn’t prepared, especially because he’s an only child, and we homeschool. We had one of those curiosity about the body incidents, and I was kind of taken aback because this is not my kid. We’ve always been very open and use anatomical words like penis and vulva. So, I was like, wait, what?

Here’s a brief breakdown of what you might experience at different stages of child development:

Age-Appropriate Body Curiosity

  1. Preschool (Ages 3-5):
    • Exploration: At this age, children are naturally curious about their bodies and the differences between boys and girls. It’s common for them to explore their bodies and occasionally show interest in the bodies of others.
    • Learning Names: Teaching proper anatomical terms for body parts is important. It helps demystify the body and promotes healthy attitudes towards bodily functions.
  2. Early School Age (Ages 5-7):
    • Increased Curiosity: Children may start asking more detailed questions about body differences and reproduction. They may engage in harmless exploration games such as “doctor” to satisfy their curiosity.
    • Social Learning: At this stage, children are learning social rules and norms, including concepts of privacy and boundaries.
  3. Middle Childhood (Ages 7-10):
    • Understanding Privacy: Children begin to understand the importance of privacy and may become more modest about their own bodies. They learn that certain behaviors, such as touching themselves, should be done in private.
    • Social Behavior: Peer relationships become more significant, and children start to navigate social norms more independently.

How We Handled the Situation

I’m actually so proud of both of us. This was a really tricky conversation and it easily could have downhill fast. You just never know how the other parent parents and that feeds into how they deal with challenging situations like this. But we both were calm, curious, and committed to helping our kids work through this without shame or blame.

Here’s how you can do this too if you ever find yourself in this situation.

Step 1: Drop the Fear

First, we had to talk to each other about it, privately. We made sure no other children were around so we weren’t putting them on the spot or dealing with he said, she said. We were both afraid of how to approach the conversation. We worried about our kids’ safety and whether they were hurting each other. Kids don’t always think about the consequences of their actions. To handle the situation effectively:

  • Acknowledge your own fear: Understand that it’s normal to feel scared or unsure.
  • Communicate with the other parent: Share your concerns and agree to approach the situation calmly.
  • Stay calm: Take deep breaths and remind yourself that this is a normal part of childhood development.
  • Make a plan to each talk to your own child in a calm and curious way and then come back to have another private conversation,

Step 2: Talk with Your Child About It

Avoid being accusatory and lead with curiosity, not fear. It’s important to understand what happened from your child’s perspective. Here’s how you can approach the conversation:

  • Start gently: “Hey, I heard you guys were doing this. Can you tell me about that?”
  • Stay curious: Ask open-ended questions to understand their thought process.
  • Reassure them: Let them know they’re not in trouble and you’re just trying to understand.

For our kids, it wasn’t a “show me yours, I’ll show you mine” situation but a curiosity-driven experiment involving pee and baking soda. Gross, I know, but they were just little scientists exploring their world. So when he told me I didn’t lecture him, I asked him what happened and laughed with him about it. The teaching can come later. Right now is about creating safety and connection, while getting information we need to make decisions,

Step 3: Talk with the Other Parent Privately

Next, we needed to compare notes and share what each kid said.

  • Set expectations: Agree that neither child is at fault and the goal is to understand what happened.
  • Share calmly: Discuss what each child explained about the incident.
  • Find common ground: Look for common elements in both stories to piece together the full picture. Remembering that kids of this age often will say something happened when it didn’t or vice versa. So it’s important to remember that we’re not looking for who started it or who’s at fault. Just really leaning into the common themes and issues we need to address.
  • Remind yourself and each other that this is normal for kids and it means nothing, you’re just here to help them be safer in the future.

Step 4: Setting New Boundaries and Expectations

After understanding what happened, we needed to set new rules to prevent future incidents. Here’s what we established based on our situation and what we discovered talking to our kids:

  • No experimenting with body fluids: Make sure they know why. It’s not enough to say “because I said so”. Discuss the dangers so they can understand and process it.
  • What can they do? It’s not enough to say what they can’t do, we have to help them meet the need they were satisfying (in this case curiosity) in safer ways.
  • Designated areas: We set safe play zones. Places that adults can easily see them.
  • Reminders about consent and teasing: Really making clear that no means immediately stopping, but also no means end of game, we don’t use it to trick others into stopping and then still playing the game.
  • Encourage questions: Allow them to ask questions and clarify any doubts they might have.

Step 5: Getting the Kid’s Feedback and Giving Them a Voice

The last real step of this conversation is to include the kids. Giving them a chance to ask questions or to say what else may be bothering them and making them feel unsafe. Then us as moms guided them through validating and problem solving. This way everyone was clear what the other child needed from the friendship and playing without judgement or shame.

  • Ask directly: “Is there anything that made you feel unsafe?”
  • Listen attentively: Pay close attention to their responses and take their concerns seriously.
  • Discuss solutions: Talk about what to do if they ever feel unsafe again.

Last notes

We set the final expectation: no more bringing up what happened in a tattletale manner. If something new happens, they should come to us immediately. But there’s no need to repeatedly bring up past incidents. Here’s what we emphasized:

  • New incidents: Encourage them to report new incidents right away.
  • No repeated mentions: Explain that once an incident is addressed, it doesn’t need to be brought up again unless something new happens.

Normalizing the Curiosity and Creating a Safe Space

Finally, we made sure to tell the kids that their curiosity is normal. It’s fine to be curious, but these conversations should happen with parents, not friends. Don’t make the body taboo because the more secretive and mysterious it is, the more they’ll be interested and try to hide things. Here’s what we communicated:

  • Normalize curiosity: Let them know it’s normal to be curious about their bodies.
  • Safe conversations: Explain that these questions should be directed to parents, not friends.
  • Avoiding secrecy: Encourage openness to prevent them from hiding things out of fear.

Talking about body curiosity and body safety can be uncomfortable, but it’s necessary. It’s normal for kids to explore and be curious about their bodies. If you handle these situations with calm, curiosity, and clear communication, you can help your kids navigate this stage safely and without shame.

Have you been through this? Share your story below and let’s normalize this conversation!

If you need more help with these kinds of conversations or want to improve communication and connection with your kids, join my Parenting from Connection community membership. You get access to more than 5 courses and all the resources and workbooks plus unlimited access to me through voice or text! Click to learn more.

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