This week in the Parenting From Connection community, our challenge has been to actively choose one family value to act on each day. This seems easy on the surface, but in reality the day to day frustrations and laundry list of chores has us living in survival mode more often than we’d care to admit. And so we often say we value sharing, or community service, or time in nature (fill in the blank here…) but in the end, we rarely model these values to our children. 

And if we’re really being honest with ourselves, most parents don’t even really know what their values are! We tend to live as we were raised or as society dictated to us growing up. We often don’t dig any deeper and just continue to live and parent from our default… And while sometimes that default is amazing… for most of us, it just continues the generational traumas we actually want to avoid! Because at the end of the day we are all modeling our family values… we all have family values, even if we didn’t actively choose them… and even if we actually don’t agree with them…

The question becomes, are you actively living and modeling the values you really believe in? Or are you actually modeling values you hate?

So what are family values?

At their core, family values are the beliefs and principles that guide our actions, decisions, and the way we interact with each other and the world around us. They’re the heartbeats of our family life, shaping not just how we treat others, but how we make choices, face challenges, and celebrate joys. Whether it’s kindness, honesty, resilience, or a deep love for nature, these values become the foundation upon which we build our lives and, most importantly, how we raise our children.

Think of family values as your family’s compass, guiding you through the ups and downs of life. They help us navigate tough decisions and remind us of the kind of people we want to be and the kind of family we aspire to create. It’s about more than just saying we value certain things; it’s about making those values a visible part of our daily lives. For instance, if generosity is a value, it’s shown through sharing toys, time, and even simple acts of kindness within the family and community.

Understanding and defining your family’s values might seem daunting at first, especially if you’ve never really thought about it explicitly. But the beauty of this journey is that it’s not about having all the answers right away. It’s about starting the conversation, exploring what truly matters to you and your loved ones, and then taking small, intentional steps to live out those values every day. In doing so, we not only provide a strong, value-driven foundation for our children but also begin to heal and grow ourselves, breaking free from any negative patterns that have held us back.

Why are family values important?

They’re like the roots of a tree, giving stability and nourishment, and deeply influencing how we grow and flourish in life. Family values shape our children’s characters, guiding them in how they approach relationships, challenges, and decisions. They become the internal compass that guides them, even when we’re not around to give advice or direction.

Living by our family values gives a sense of identity.

Having clear family values helps create a sense of identity and belonging. In a world that’s constantly changing and throwing curveballs, these values are the steady constants that can give our children, and us, a sense of security and purpose. They know what they stand for and what their family stands for, which can be incredibly grounding. For example, if we prioritize compassion in our family, our children learn to empathize with others, making them not just better family members but also friends, classmates, and eventually, citizens of the world.

Living by our family values helps us be consistent and mindful.

But it’s not just about the kids; family values are crucial for us parents too. They help us make parenting decisions that feel right and consistent. When we’re faced with tough choices or parenting dilemmas, our values can guide us towards decisions that we’re proud of, rather than just reacting in the moment. This doesn’t mean we won’t make mistakes—of course, we will, we’re only human! But our values can help steer us back on course, reminding us of who we aim to be as parents and individuals.

Living by our family values gives us direction.

In essence, family values are the invisible threads that weave together the fabric of our family life. They hold us together during storms and guide us towards the sunshine. They’re about more than just guiding behavior; they’re about nurturing a sense of purpose, direction, and connection that can last a lifetime, influencing not just our children but generations to come. Keeping it real, family values are our legacy, the most profound thing we pass on to our children, beyond our name or genetic makeup. They are the love letters to the future we write with our daily actions and choices.

One of my values is keeping my word. I want to model that keeping your word, as much as possible, is a cornerstone of who we are. This means that when I say I’m going to do something, when I make a promise, you can count on me to uphold that promise. My son has learned this so well over time, that he will literally beg me to promise him something he wants when I told him I don’t know or maybe. I empathize that it’s frustrating and that he really wants me to guarantee that I’m going be able to play Minecraft or take him somewhere or get him something, but I can’t because I don’t know what the day will bring and so I will not promise him and then have to break that promise later.  

Identifying Your Family Values

So, how do we start this journey of uncovering our family values? It’s like setting out on a treasure hunt, where the treasure is the core beliefs and principles that resonate most deeply with us and our loved ones.

Reflect on Your Roots

Begin by looking back at your own upbringing. What values were important in your family? Think about the traditions, behaviors, and sayings that were prominent in your household. Not all of these will fit for your family, and that’s okay. This reflection is about understanding where you come from, so you can decide which values you want to carry forward and which ones you might leave behind.

Engage in Family Conversations

The next step is to talk with your family members. This isn’t a one-person job; it’s a family affair. Ask your partner and kids what they think is important. What do they value in their relationships and daily lives? This conversation can be eye-opening and can help you all to create a shared vision of what you value most as a family. 

Envision Your Ideal Family Life

Now, take a moment to dream. If you could design the perfect family life, what would it look like? What values would be at its core? Maybe it’s a life where kindness rules, where learning is a lifelong adventure, or where respect for each other and the environment is paramount. This vision can help you pinpoint the values that are most important for shaping your family’s daily life and future.

In the Parenting from Connection community I have a whole training and workbook to guide you and your family through this process. From questions to reflect on or to start conversations to how to incorporate it into your everyday life. If you’re ready for support and step-by-step guidance you can check it out here- https://www.marypetersoncook.com/pfc-innercircle

Making Family Values Part of the Day-to-Day

Alright, you’ve figured out what matters most to your family. Now, how do you make these values more than just nice ideas? It’s all about slipping them into the nooks and crannies of your daily life, making them as natural as your morning coffee (or in my case my big bottle of water lol).

Sprinkle Them Into Daily Routines

Think about how you can add a dash of your values into everyday things. If an attitude of gratitude is big for your family, how about starting the day by sharing something they’re grateful for or excited about over breakfast? Or if you’re all about learning, maybe chat about one new thing each of you learned that day, or even a mistake you made and what you learned from it, during dinner. It’s these little moments that start to add up and really show what you stand for.

Decisions, Decisions

Every choice is a chance to reflect your values. If you’re all about being eco-friendly, the decision to walk instead of drive can be a powerful statement. When you’re running late for work and someone pulls out in front of you, you can make the choice to take deep breaths and repeat some calming affirmations. It’s a way of saying, “Hey, this is what we’re about,” without even needing to spell it out. And of course, then you’re modeling how you hope they’ll react in the future too!

Turn Oops into Opportunities

Life’s going to throw curveballs. Mess-ups are inevitable. But guess what? They’re also perfect moments to highlight your values. If honesty is your family value, owning up to a mistake shows your kids it’s ok to make mistakes and how to make amends. And when things get heated, choosing to speak calmly instead of yelling can be a live demo of patience in action.

How to work through the challenges of having family values

Life’s not always a smooth ride, and sometimes sticking to our family values feels like climbing a mountain in flip-flops. It’s tough, but hey, that’s where the real magic happens. Overcoming these challenges can actually bring your family closer and make those values stick even more.

When Time’s Not on Your Side

Let’s be real, there are days when 24 hours just don’t seem enough. With work, school, chores, special time and maybe squeezing in a little me-time, living by your family values might slip down the priority list. But remember, it’s not about grand gestures; it’s the small things that count. Maybe it’s a quick hug, a shared joke, or a five-minute chat about your day that can keep the values vibe alive even on the busiest days.

Mixed Signals from the World

The world outside doesn’t always play by our rulebook. Kids see and hear all sorts of things from friends, TV, and online that might clash with what you’re trying to teach at home. This is your cue for some real talk. Discuss what they’ve encountered and explore together how it lines up (or doesn’t) with your family’s values. It’s about guiding them to think critically and make connections to what you believe as a family.

I do this often when he’s watching a show where they don’t treat each other kindly or a book where the characters go against one of our values. It’s not about shielding them from the way the world is, but giving them the inner voice and knowledge of how to be in this world that doesn’t always align with our values. 

When the Going Gets Tough

Sometimes, despite our best efforts, things just go sideways. Maybe it’s a family argument where harsh words are exchanged, or a decision that didn’t align with your values. These moments can feel like setbacks, but they’re also chances to show resilience and commitment to your values. Own up to mistakes, apologize, and talk about how to do better next time. It shows that values aren’t just for the good times but are guides for when things get rocky too.

Remember, no one is perfect. And it’s ok to make mistakes… in fact, you are doing a disservice to your child if you never make a mistake. Because then they would never learn how to own up to their mistakes or how to make amends without you modeling it to them. 

Growing Together Through It All

Challenges are part of the journey, and facing them as a family can strengthen your bond. When you tackle these bumps together, guided by your values, you not only overcome them but also teach some of life’s most important lessons along the way. It’s about growing stronger, together, rooted in what you all hold dear.

Navigating Differences in Values Between Partners

It’s totally normal for spouses to see eye-to-eye on many things but not everything, including family values. Maybe you’re all about punctuality and structure, but your partner is more laid-back and spontaneous. It doesn’t mean you’re on different teams; it just means you need to find common ground where both sets of values can live in harmony.

Finding Balance Through Communication

The key is open, honest communication. Sit down and have a heart-to-heart about what each of you values most and why. Understanding each other’s perspectives can be a game-changer. It’s not about winning or changing the other person but about respecting and valuing each other’s beliefs and finding a middle path that works for the family.

Create a Shared Vision

Work together to develop a family values statement or guidelines that includes elements important to both of you. This shared vision can act as a guide for making decisions and resolving conflicts. When both partners see their values reflected in the family’s direction, it’s easier to support and uphold these values together.

Agree to Disagree, Respectfully

Sometimes, agreeing to disagree, respectfully, is the best outcome. Recognize that having different values can actually enrich your family’s experience, offering diverse perspectives and teaching your kids about balance and compromise. It’s about showing that different views can coexist peacefully and constructively within a loving family.

Evolving with Your Family Values

As time marches on, our families grow and change, and so can our values. What was important to you ten years ago might not hold the same weight today. And guess what? That’s perfectly okay. Evolving with your family values isn’t about being fickle or even wrong; it’s about adapting to life’s changes and growing as individuals and as a family unit.

Growing Up Means Growing Together

As children grow, they bring home new ideas, influences, and experiences. This can be the perfect opportunity to revisit and possibly refresh your family values. Engage in regular family discussions to discuss what’s working and what’s not, and be open to incorporating new values that resonate with your evolving family dynamic. This process shows your kids that values are living concepts, meant to be nurtured and adjusted as we learn and grow.

Life’s Big Changes

Major life events like a new career, moving to a new place, or significant world events can shift your perspective and, consequently, your values. These changes might prompt your family to prioritize different values, like adaptability, resilience, or community involvement. Embracing these shifts can help your family remain relevant and responsive to the world around you.

Passing the Torch

As your kids get older, they’ll start to form their own sets of values. This is a beautiful thing! It means they’re taking what you’ve taught them, mixing it with their own experiences, and creating a set of principles to guide their own lives. Your role is to support and guide them through this process, even when their values differ from yours. It’s a sign of strength in your parenting and the ultimate goal of raising independent, thoughtful individuals.

Living Values, Creating Legacy

Navigating the journey of family values is much like tending a garden. It requires patience, care, and a willingness to grow and adapt with the seasons. Our values are the seeds from which our children’s characters blossom, shaping them into individuals who know what they stand for and how to stand up for it. By living our values in the everyday moments, we weave a family legacy rich with meaning and purpose.

But let’s face it, this journey isn’t always straightforward or easy. It’s filled with moments of doubt, challenges, and the constant push and pull of life’s demands. That’s where the strength of a supportive community comes into play.

Join Us at Parenting From Connection

If you’re looking for a place to explore, share, and grow in your parenting journey, the Parenting From Connection community is here for you. Here, we dive deep into topics like family values, intentional parenting, conflict resolution, and much more. It’s a space where you can connect with other parents on the same path, sharing experiences, insights, and encouragement.

In our community, we don’t just talk about values—we live them, learn through them, and support each other in bringing them to life in our families. We understand the complexities of parenting and the beauty of evolving with our children and values. Together, we create a nurturing environment where we can all grow, not just as parents but as individuals, through on demand coaching and weekly challenges.

Your Invitation

Consider this your personal invitation to join us at Parenting From Connection. Together, we can support each other in not only defining our family values but living them out in the most authentic and meaningful ways. Let’s continue the conversation, share our journeys, and build a legacy of love, learning, and connection. You can learn more here- https://www.marypetersoncook.com/pfc-innercircle